I turned 26 on 15th June. Life has been quite a journey. The beauty of it all; no one’s ever been to today. All days are new. I never imagined myself this big or this old. God has accorded me the time so I live through it the best way I can. I learnt that there is never an end to knowing things. Somehow, even love always has a new way to manifest itself that was not seen or known yesterday. In so many ways do we do new things unknowingly, only that most of the time we seldom pay attention to our conversations, thoughts and actions.
Growing up, I had to teach myself many things through my mistakes. Being a first born has not been the easiest of walks. You do not have siblings to look up to and those that follow you check everything you do because you are the closest being to them; almost a link between them, the world and your parents. Many are the times I’ve had to swallow my pride for their sake. It’s been both good and hard.
In life, there are situations we would like to have control over; like our emotions, friendships, careers, relationships and so forth. There are people and things we would want to possess or be close to. Since primary school, probably each of us had a dream to become something. I wanted to be a Member Of Parliament at Class 6. Then I moved to want to become a Swahili Professor at Form 1. Two years later, I was so certain that I wanted to be a journalist. It looked scripted from how events unfolded in my life. How I was dying to be a news editor at a media house someday, to have my own office from where I could choose stories that would be published or aired. Throughout my A Level education in Uganda, things looked like they were pretty set.
I had never dreamnt to be a poet. It’s the last thing I saw coming. Me, the once shy boy who could hardly even greet girls or raise his hand up to ask a question in a boys only class? I’m still shy in many hidden ways though. When reality dawned on me that I couldn’t have the smooth campus education I had foreseen some years back, it was hard to face matters. You can imagine enrolling to university and being unable to sit for your first ever exams because of fees arrears. That was depressing.
One of the hardest tasks we ever have to do as human beings is moving on. We might read quotes that tell us about how successful people get up one more time whenever they fall, but when we are in the mud ourselves, we get caught up in the sludge. The struggle becomes realer. It’s easier to talk about experiences after we’ve been through them than hearing them from other people.
I had to accept the fact that my parents were not well off as to take me to the school I had so much desired to have my degree from. Deciding to pursue my artistic endeavors and leaving behind what to me was my biggest dream at the time had to hurt my ego. I told God I shall not be bitter at how things turned out, but that was not as easy as it sounds.
Little did I know that life was waiting to happen the moment I chose to move on. There were monuments of new things awaiting me. Looking back, I wonder how my life would have been sitting on some desk waiting for reporters to bring in news and my job would just be to work out people’s stories while I could make my own. Today, I’m mentoring young poets even though no one was there to show me how to go about words when I was beginning. God is beautiful. I get amazed when I walk in town and people say hi to me or go agape when they hear I am the Rixpoet they’ve been hearing about. I tell people my name is bigger than me.
Whenever I’m back to myself at home, I marvel at how God used my brokenness to show me something bigger than what I had desired. His will is perfect. If we allow ourselves to trust Him with our lives, He takes us to places we had not imagined in our wildest of dreams. Believe me, I have seen it work. The script, as I came to discover, never changes. Trusting God with your life always gives you the bigger picture. It’s called letting go and letting God.
We are made of flesh that mostly demands things that go against our spirit. Remember when Jesus was going to pray with his disciples and they fell asleep? He said to them in Matthew 26:41 :-
Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
Sometimes our hearts know the right things for us but our flesh wants the wrong ones. We often like to convince ourselves that things will be fine even when we know we have chosen the wrong path. That’s purely our fallen nature, a state of total depravity based on human wisdom that cannot even match God’s foolishness. (1st Corinthians 1:25)
In so many instances in our lives do we cherish stuff so passionately that we forget it’s God who gives. No matter how much you might desire something, if He has not purposed that you have it, however sweet, beautiful or good it might look to you, you simply shall never have it. And to be wise is to listen to what God is telling you because most of the time we are so full of ourselves we barely want any advice. So we end up acting out of frustrations, suffocating other people, hurting ourselves and them. You cannot entice God into something He does not feel like getting involved with. Our eyes may tell us that we have seen the most beautiful things but time teaches us that we can never have enough of the former. There is no such thing as enough beauty or so much of it, in the context of the latter.The world is vast. Thus is beauty.
Letting God comes with less effort. Holding on to something that does not seem to be coming your way with self trust takes too much of your energy; it drains you, so much that sometimes when you finally get it, you barely have any strength even to carry it. When God wants to give you something, He first accords you with the strength to hold it, to sustain it, to live with it; hence the need for trials. That takes me to Romans 5:1-5 that says:-
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom
we have gained access by faith into his grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character hope.
AND HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT US, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
James 1:2-4 goes on to say:-
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
The things that really satisfy your heart come from Him. Learn to let go and let God. Life may not be easier but it sure will be a lot better.